Explaining the current state of gaming to boomers
Boomers are a mysterious lot. They like beige saloon cars, spending their kids inheritance, talking about how easy it is to get a job and buy a house (if you just pull up your damn socks and knock on doors!), and watching copious amounts of cable TV. One thing our senior citizen friends certainly don’t like is video games. “They turn your brains to mush!” Said while vegging out in front the Golf Channel. Which yes, sportsball is another thing boomers can’t get enough of. If it has a ball, chances are your dad is watching it right now.
Of course, contrary to popular belief, a lot of gamers are also sports fans. I’m willing to bet there’s far more gamers who are into sports than there are boomers who are into gaming. That makes explaining the current state of video games to your elderly parents (or grandparents) somewhat of a challenge. Heck, most can’t even work the TV remote, let alone a controller. So it’s a good thing you have your ol’ pal MMNTech here to explain it in the one language they do understand: football.
What would football look like if it were like the modern games industry? Imagine, if you will…
Oh boy, you just bought yourself tickets to the Raiders at Broncos game. You even flew all the way out to Denver. All and all, it was pretty pricey. Pricier than ever. Tickets go up every year. But it’s worth it to support the team (f-yeah Broncos), and you have good seats too.
You arrive at the stadium, and you think to yourself “are they undergoing renovations? No, it’s a brand new building.” Yet lights are hanging from the ceiling by wires, the concrete on the floor is still damp, the stairs up to the stands are crooked, there’s no sinks in the bathrooms. What a mess? Furthermore, the field is overgrown with weeds. Isn’t it supposed to be Astroturf? Turns out all the facilities staff, the builders, and grounds keepers are new hires. They lack skill, but they checked the right boxes!
You find your seats and, wait, what? It’s standing room only. You ask the attendant what gives. They inform you that the base ticket only gets you into the stadium. If you want a chair, that’s an extra 50% over the base price. But you can enter the stadium 10 minutes before everyone else! Fine, whatever. You resign yourself to standing. But at least there’s snacks.
You go to the concession stand to get yourself some nachos. The nachos are $40. If you want cheese, that’s an extra $10. If you want a tray to carry them in, that’s an extra $5. Beer is no longer served because it offends fans of certain religions.
Game time. The team comes out on the field. To your shock, most of the players have been replaced by women and transgender “athletes”, who’s only football experience was a touch game back in high school. This is a new mandate by the team’s biggest shareholder to increase diversity and inclusion on the field. They had to do this to get a loan to build the stadium. Even the cheerleaders have been replaced by contestants from RuPaul’s Drag Race, as women with pompoms were deemed outdated and offensive for today’s “modern” football fan.
Game commentary is peppered with frequent lectures about gender, colonialism, and institutional racism. Anthem kneeling is now required of fans.
The half-time show has been replaced by the three hour “extended cut” screening of James Cameron’s Avatar. You are not allowed to go to the bathroom during this time.
The rules change every quarter. Tacking is also no longer allowed, as it has been deemed “too violent”. Touch downs are also no longer allowed, because it could lead to bad touching. Kicking has also been removed for being heteronormative.
Heckling the ref, or even perceived heckling of the ref, results in an immediate ejection from the game and a lifetime ban from all future NFL games. The guy next to you says this happened to his buddy during the season opener, and they did not refund his season tickets. Which isn’t unusual, because they often just up and revoke people’s tickets for no reason, and no refund.
That was an awful game. You slink home after witnessing that bizarre spectacle. You tune ESPN on the car ride back from the airport. The anchor mentions how NFL ticket sales are down. They proceed to go on a profanity laced tirade about how this is all the fault of racist, misogynistic, toxic male football fans. They should accept the league’s changes, or stop watching the games!
Well, that sucked. But you’re home now. Maybe a pickup game with the boys will clear your head. An NFL lawyer drives by the park. They’ve heard people have been illegally enjoying football without the league’s blessing or paying their licensing fee. They hand you and the lads a cease and desist, saying that if you continue playing, they’ll see you in court.
Next day on ESPN, you hear how your favourite hall of famer, the player you idolized growing up, has been stripped of his rings and trophies. He was caught on tape mentioning to a friend that one of the cheerleaders has a nice butt, 20 years ago.
Meanwhile, one of those new players was recently arrested for soliciting a minor. But don’t pay any attention to that, because they were just awarded MVP.
You decide to switch team allegiances after the Denver debacle. It’s Raiders or broke. They’ve been having a pretty great season this year. Come playoffs though, they choke in the semi-finals. The NFL folds the team citing underperformance, and diverts those resources to the Broncos.
Your buddy gets sued for $20 million and jailed for 5-years for uploading highlights of a game from 1983 to YouTube.
The NFL also sued cable companies to prevent you from recording live games to watch later. But you can download an app to stream them for $16/mo. $22 if you want to stream this season’s games. Oh and you need to pay that for each individual team you want to watch, as they all have their own app.
Screw it, I’m going to watch soccer instead.
A week later, FIFA announces they’re going to be increasing diversity on the pitch.
