Nespresso Impressions: Finally something dumber than the Keurig

I’m not a huge fan of those pod coffee makers. A couple years ago, I wrote about how the Keurig may possibly be the dumbest high-tech kitchen gadget ever created. Leave it to the good folks at Nestle to up the ante and create something that makes even less sense.

So, over the holidays, a good friend of my Dad’s bought him a Nespresso machine. Not just any machine mind you, but the Breville Vertuo with the Aeroccino milk frother. The Cadillac model of single cup coffee makers. Now, there is some back story behind why this friend bought my parents this thing. He has no family, and my dad’s helped him with a lot of stuff as he’s gotten older. So this was a thank you. However, it’s still a very expensive gift from our perspective. We usually don’t spend that much on close family, let alone friends. But there it was, in all its bean juice making glory.

Now, I’m a tea drinker. The beverage that civilized the world and fueled all the great empires of the 2nd millennia. Coffee is not in my wheel house. So I’m not really the person to be judging it. Yet we can still judge the machine on its own merits.

For the price, the build quality of the Breville machine is quite good. As one would expect from Breville’s kitchen products. It’s plastic with a metal top. There’s a tank on the side for water, and a bin for spent pods. This model automatically ejects old pods when you load a new one, like a shotgun for java. The pods can then be recycled. Though not all municipalities will accept them in the blue bin.

Unlike the fancy Keurig machines, the Nespresso only has a single button on top to start the whole brewing process, and no display whatsoever. This isn’t a smart device by any means. At least not on the surface. There is a brain inside deciding how to properly prepare your bitter, brown sludge. It does this by reading a barcode that’s imprinted on top of every pod. So it can tell whether it’s an espresso or regular cup of Joe, and adjust the process accordingly.

These machines basically work on the same business model as ink jet printers. They’ll sell you the machine relatively cheaply (this is cheaper than a higher end espresso makers), then make their profits by inflating the price of the disposables. In other words, the coffee pods. Which are of course expensive. The Vertuo ones cost on average about $1 per cup. Which is still cheaper than buying it at Starschmucks. However, it’s quite a bit more expensive than brewing your own espresso using something like a Moka pot, or even some of the more inexpensive conventional machines.

Ah, now here’s where the whole situation gets especially retarded mentally handicapped in the Nespresso’s case. Nestle manufactures two different types of pods: the Original and the Vertuo. Originals are not compatible with Vertuo machines, and vice versa. This is not incompatible in the same sense that unlicensed pods aren’t compatible with Keurig 2.0 machines, which can be fooled easily enough with a piece of plastic. No, the pods are completely different shapes and sizes. They will not physically fit in machines they weren’t designed for. Machines from the same company, that carry the same branding.

Nestle claims the rounded shape of the Vertuo pods generates some sort of vortex action during brewing, which creates a creamier cup of coffee. Or something along those lines. However, it just seems weird that they’ve decided to split their market like this. It’s certainly confusing for consumers. I’d be like Microsoft creating digital download games that were only compatible with either the Series S or Series X, but not both.

Much like the Keurig though, you can buy refillable stainless steel pods that let you use your own coffee. These are a bit on the expensive side at $30 from your local Wally World, but they’ll pay for themselves if you use the machine regularly, and only use one type of coffee. I also assume you need the correct pod for your coffee type, otherwise the machine has no idea how to brew it. Seems they sell multiple different ones of those too.

The real question though is does it at least make a good cup of coffee? Well, my parents seem to think so. Certainly better than the Keurig. Though it’s an awfully high price to pay for the convenience. Especially when you’re not making fancy coffee drinks on the regular. It’s also worth noting that the Nespresso only does coffee. There’s no option for other hot beverages. Which may limit its appeal for some folks. My parents were both in agreement that this would most likely end up shoved in the back of a cupboard once their initial supply of pods ran out.

But what about the Aeroccino? Well, it does one thing and one thing well; froth milk. At $100 Canadian kopeks, it better. There’s a little blender thingy inside, and it also heats the milk. So there’s a bonus. It’ll do cold milk too for iced drinks. Though it’s not sophisticated enough to do the cooling for you. That’s your fridge’s job. Build quality is also good here. It should last you quite a long time. I made a couple London Fogs with it over the holidays, but it’s pretty much a useless device for me.